It's been 5 years since you passed away. Not a day has gone by where I don't think of you. I still cry for you, even now. I can't even write this post properly because tears are streaming down my face and my eyes have gone blurry, but I wanted to write this down somewhere.
You were gone far too soon. Part of me still can't believe you're really gone.
Do you know how much you've missed? I graduated university Dad, did you see me. You should have been there with mum to cheer me on as I walked across the stage. But you weren't.
William started school. He's in year 1 now. You're missing your grandson grow up Dad. I remember you saying to me that you're happy you got to meet at least one of your grandchildren. William still remembers you even though he was only 1 when you passed. I talk about you all the time to him.
Oh so much has happened in 5 years Dad. You're missing out on so much. I tried to watch some home videos but you were hardly in them as you were always filming. We always took you for granted Dad. I'm sorry.
Hey Top Gear is starting again soon. Remember how we used to watch it together. We used to watch a lot of things together. You're the reason why I like certain music and watch certain things.
I have to keep taking breaks writing this. It's so hard and there's so many things that I want to write down and say to you but I can't. It's still too painful.
Sometimes I have dreams about you. Sometimes you're just there in the background watching, and other times you're talking to me. Once time you told me you were proud of me.
I like to think that it's really you in my dreams, that it's your spirit trying to connect with me. If it is you then I just want you to know that I love you Dad.
Oh did you know that I shaved my hair off last August Dad? I made £400 for Macmillan Cancer Support. It's growing back now. William laughed at me when I was shaving it off. Oh Dad, William is growing up too quickly! He's 6, can you believe it? He likes Super Heroes and TMNT, and he's doing so well in school. Are you proud of him Dad? Is he carrying your name well? He loves the fact that his name is the same as yours. I'm so glad I called him William.
Oh Dad where are you? Why did you have to leave us? I can't stop crying right now. I cry most nights and it still hurts so much. I feel like someones ripped out my heart. I feel really empty inside and there's nothing I can do to make me feel better. I just want to see you again, talk to you again, hug you again. I want to tell you all the things that I never got a chance to tell you. Where are you Dad? Why did you have to die? You didn't deserve to die.
Will this pain get easier for me Dad? Will I ever stop crying every time I think of you? Dad I want you back. I miss you, I love you.
I have to stop writing this Dad. It's harder than I thought it would be. My eyes are so red right now and I can't stop the flow of tears. I hope you know that I love you. I miss you more and more each day.