Monday, 25 November 2013

DOMESTIC ABUSE: LIVING THROUGH IT AND MOVING ON

I would just like to start off by saying that this post is in no way intended to be to gain sympathy or followers etc. It's sad that I have to write that on my own blog but I feel like its something that I had to say.

I'd never really thought about domestic abuse much as no one really talked about it and when it is spoken about you never think that it's something that will ever happen to you. In reality though DA happens and once you're trapped inside an abusive relationship it is hard to get out.
This is a post that I've wanted to write about for so long but I've always put it off as I didn't know how it would be received. However I think that domestic abuse is something that people, not just girls, need to know about - and know that whatever is happening, I'm here for you to talk to.


So what is Domestic Violence/Abuse?
The Home Office defines domestic violence as "Any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive or threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are or have been intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. This can encompass but is not limited to the following types of abuse: • psychological  • physical • sexual • financial • emotional"

This happened to me a long time ago now, and I've moved on from it and recovered. However it is still a subject that a lot of people don't talk about, and I feel that as someone who has been through it, I'd like to help others who are going through it or have been through it before.

One of the worst things about DA is the feeling of not being able to talk to anyone. For a long time I didn't speak to anyone about it as I didn't think that they would believe me. No one knows what happens behind closed doors and the fear of him finding out that I'd spoken about it forced me to keep quiet even longer.
What's worse is that when you do find the courage to tell a friend and they don't believe you as they have known the other person longer, or they can't see any physical evidence on your body (as it's covered by clothes).
It's really frustrating.

Many people would ask why I didn't just walk away from the relationship, but the thing is, once you're in a relationship like that then it's extremely hard to walk away. I had feelings for him, and he knew that. He would play with my emotions and see how far he could push me. A mixture of being scared and my pride kept me with him, and then later on it was just being scared. 
He had the sort of attitude where if he didn't want me, then no one else could either. I wasn't even allowed to see my own friends without him, and if I didn't answer my phone straight away then I was in trouble.
I became very self conscious and kept everything bottled up. I became shy and didn't like my own looks. I took my frustration out on other people, I smoked, I drank, I stayed out into the early hours of the morning - all because of him.

I remember thinking that it couldn't last forever and that it had to end at some point, but my fear of that happening and what he would do to me was so great that I often thought of suicide and on more than one occasion even tried.

I'm not proud of what I did, and I hate myself for letting him be abusive to me.

He was physically violent towards me, played with my emotions and on more than one occasion emotionally blackmailed me. He used me for his own gain and would make me feel dirty and useless afterwards. He would dry up my bank by claiming he needed petrol money (which I later found out was so that he could go and see other girls).
When he was finished being abusive towards me, he would try to make me feel better by bandaging me up or taking me for a coffee etc. He'd then tell me it was all my fault and that he was trying to teach me a lesson because I wasn't nice enough to him, or I didn't give him sex every day, or even that I was late getting the bus to his house.
Being the emotional wreak that I was believed that it was my fault, which basically gave him permission to do it more.

For me, getting out of it was easy. I admit that I had the easy way out. I got pregnant and once he found that out he walked away.

Now that I'm out of that abusive relationship I have the courage to stand up to him and to tell him to do one. I'm in university getting my life back on track. I live with my gorgeous son and my boyfriend of almost three years who has been the most supportive person ever, and accepted me and my son straight away.

Once you're out of that horrible relationship you feel so much better - it's like a breathe of fresh air. These days I'm more confident, not just in standing up to him but I'm more confident in myself and how I look. This blog has helped me to become more confident with myself, and a hell of a lot of people have told me that I'm a better person now that I'm away from him.


My advice to anyone who is going through it is:
• It DOES get better, and I'm always here if you need to talk to me. 
• It is not your fault, so please don't blame yourself for anything that happens.
• Get out. Just walk away from it all. I know that it's hard, trust me I've been there too. Once you get over that hurdle it's plain sailing from there.
• Talk to people. Talk to your friends, family, online help forums, me, anyone. Don't keep anything bottled up.


Things really do get better, so please please don't be scared of that.




My email is cllrs.callierose@gmail.com if any of you ever need to talk about it.
Other companies that can help out are National Domestic Violence Helpline and WomensAid.
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10 comments

  1. Well done for writing this - I'm not sure I'd ever have the strength to but it is so important to make it less of a taboo to talk about. Even now, around ten years later, I still don't talk about it straight, it's always a half mention or a suggestion so the person knows what I mean but without actually saying it - To be fair that's not because it's socially inappropriate but more for my own sake, but still, there's this part where it feels wrong to say what happened in too much detail because people won't believe you/understand/want to hear it.

    You didn't have the easy way out, you were lucky it meant he walked away but after all of that nothing is the easy way, it's all hard. (some of them don't walk away when you get pregnant, some see it as a way to trap you so in that sense you were lucky) But still not easy, don't make light of what you went through by saying it was the easy option because even if he was, thankfully, the one to walk away, I know the whole thing won't have been easy

    I'm rambling, well done for the post really xx

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  2. I'm really sorry to hear that you had such an awful time. I can't really express what I felt reading this - I've never been in the situation myself - but you were really brave it write it. It will help people, especially to realise how manipulative those relationships can be. So glad you're in a better place now xx
    www.LaurasHaven.com

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  3. You're so brave for posting about this, go you :)

    I have to study this at University, I do Early Childhood Studies & wanna be a primary teacher - so I have to look for the signs in Children. Its mortifying.

    I experienced my parents have quite an abusive relationships, thats so horrid you have to go through that, I can't even imagine how you must feel.

    I bet your little boy will be so proud of you - and you did everything right by him.

    I often think the emotional abuse is much worse and can leave deeper scars - so kudos to you for moving on with your life! Well done :D

    Kelly

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  4. Massive well done on posting this, it takes a lot of courage to talk about things like this. I've never experienced domestic abuse myself but reading this has opened my eyes to it a bit more, so I'm really glad I did read it!

    Also, it's really nice to see how much better your life is now and how happy and confident you seem :)

    x x

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  5. Well done for writing this. It's so awful to even imagine... I'm so glad life has worked out well for you.

    Charlotte - blotandreapply.com x

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  6. Sadly I can totally relate to this as it happened to me twice! Luckily the first one I left after 6 months, but the second one went on for a few years and I really loved him so I didn't want to leave him. Someone once saw the bruises on me and I naturally lied about them. Like you I would be abused and then bought gifts. Instead of telling my mum about the abuse, I just told her about the gifts. Luckily at the age of 21 I left him for good after he put my mums windows and front doors through because I was hiding in the house. I really feel for you Callie and thank goodness you are happy now. I'm very very happy too. Xxxx
    Carly's Beauty World

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  7. Oh wow Callie. Can't even begin to imagine what that must have been like, some people are just so horrible! In fact horrible isn't a strong enough word! Well done you on writing this, I hope it will help a lot of people.

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  8. It's so great that you wrote this, and made such a fast recovery- the pictures are adorable by the way! :)

    www.heavenlyclutter.blogspot.com
    xo

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  9. I can relate to that , luckily I didn't let the person to get to me that much and managed to get out of as i called it a toxic relationship . I come across girls nowdays being abused by guys and everyone just says they r stupid for staying with the man but they do not get how trapped can you get.
    Well done for sharing it with us and proving to others that it does get better xx
    http://fashion-journal-bysuzannemarie.blogspot.co.uk/

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  10. lovely pics :)

    http://sbr-fashion-fashion.blogspot.com/

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